Blarg!

Bill's blog. Writing, guitars, gratuitous Simpsons references, you'll find i​t all here. Almost certainly a waste of time for both you and the author. On the internet, that's actually a plus.

New column: "How to Blurb Someone's Book"

Hey you! Check out my new column at Writer Unboxed! How to Blurb Someone's Book.

Your career is taking off–someone asked you to blurb their book! Yes, you! No, I can’t believe it either! I mean, out of all the authors available who have better sales and a bigger following and…well anyway, they picked you, so nice job.

This is a big opportunity. Blurbing a book lets you seize a chunk of someone else’s life’s work and make it all about you. Furthermore, if people are asking you for an endorsement, you’re now a tastemaker, subtly steering the zeitgeist toward works of true literary quality. The resemblance of said works to your own books is purely coincidental.

Like any important endeavor, there’s the distinct possibility you might screw it up, thereby trashing not only your own career, but that of a fellow author whose only crime was believing in you.

Read the whole thing at Writer Unboxed.

New column: "Awesome Combo! The 10 Keys to Writing Killer Fight Scenes"

In my new column for Writer Unboxed, I unveil everything you need to know to write fantastic fight scenes.

"To write a proper fight scene, you need to be in a fightin’ frame of mind. Queue up Guile’s Theme from Street Fighter II to set the mood. (Side note: I’m listening to Guile’s Theme as I write this column. It’s the soundtrack to everything I write. Sonic boom!)

Research

Those three months of karate you took after school in fifth grade are finally about to pay off! Learning a martial art is the culmination of years of practice, discipline, and hard work. If you had that kind of work ethic, you’d have already finished writing this book by now."

Read the whole thing here.

Award eligibility post about awards for which I'm eligible to be awarded awards

Photo credit: akahawkeyefan

Photo credit: akahawkeyefan

Here's a rundown of what I've recently published, in the event you'd like to nominate my work for a major award. 

I'm eligible for the Campbell Award for Best New Writer, based on the publication of "Athlete's Foot" in Crowded. 

Also, my short story, "Suicide Chef," appeared on the Tales to Terrify Podcast. It is eligible for the Parsec Award for Best Speculative Fiction Story: Small Cast (Short Form).

FYI, if you'd like to read some of my work for free, I published two of my short stories on this here website:

Whether you nominate me for anything or not, you're still allowed to enjoy the stories. I don't mind, I promise.

Come see me at Illogicon this weekend

I'll be at Illogicon this weekend in Durham, NC January 9-11. Come on down to the  and hear me say something dumb. This year, I'll be moderating two panels that I'm very excited about: "Make with the Funny" about humor in genre fiction, and "The Sporting Geek," about where sports fandom and geeky fandom collide (see below for full descriptions). Once again, I'll be paneling with some pretty smart folks, so it'll definitely be worth your while.

Friday, January 9

  • Social Scientists' Science Fiction - 5 pm
    There's no shortage of science fiction written by authors with Ph.D.s in the "hard sciences" (biology, chemistry, physics), and their expertise show up in everything from world building to alien physiology. But what about authors with educations in Psychology, Sociology, Anthropology, Linguistics, Economics, and so on? Is the SF experience redefined when it comes from social scientists instead?
  • Bwa Ha Ha Ha! - 9 pm
    Sometimes we take so long creating protagonists that will appeal to readers, we forget to give the same depth and character to the enemy. Let's talk about some of the best literary villains, and techniques writers can use to make a truly memorable bad guy.

Saturday, January 10

Make with the Funny - Noon (I'm the moderator!)
Authors and artists talk about how they write humor in SF&F. They'll also share what books, movies, TV shows, and comics make them laugh the most. The panel itself will probably be funnier than this description you're reading now.

Sunday, January 11

The Sporting Geek - 1 pm (I'm the moderator!)
Being a nerd doesn't mean you have to shun sports. Sure, we'll talk mainstream stuff like basketball, football, baseball, and hockey, but we'll also delve into geek-friendly activities like rock climbing, running, and disc golf. Anything that's nerdy and sporty is fair game, from sabermetrics to fantasy sports like Quidditch and Calvinball. 

New column: How to Schedule Your Holiday Writing Schedule

Photo credit: Jamie McCaffrey

Photo credit: Jamie McCaffrey

My new column is up at Writer Unboxed: How to Schedule Your Holiday Writing Schedule.

"Set goals. The first day of your vacation, write down three things you want to accomplish before heading back to school or work or wherever. Aim high. Write a short story every day! Query twenty agents! Hey, you wrote an entire novel in November; you’re now ready to write one in two weeks. Shoot for the moon! If you miss, you’ll land among the stars in the cold, infinite void of space."

If you like that bit, go read the whole thing. 

If you didn't like it, go read the whole thing as a punishment.

How to Schedule Your Holiday Writing Schedule

Free Short Story: The Consolidated Brotherhood of Truly Bearded Santas

Here's my Christmas gift to you: My Christmas story, "The Consolidated Brotherhood of Truly Bearded Santas," starring everybody's favorite holiday hellspawn, the Krampus. 

The Consolidated Brotherhood of Truly Bearded Santas

By Bill Ferris

"The Consolidated Brotherhood of Truly Bearded Santas" originally appeared in Stupefying Stories, and was reprinted in The Again.

Craig’s Bert and Ernie slippers made no sound as he descended the carpeted stairs. He was a Christmas ninja, silent and quick.

A clatter from the living room. Something knocked against the Christmas tree, clacking the bubble lights together. He heard the hollow whump of a cardboard box hitting the floor. Was that the sound of a new KillBot 4000? Ralph Moyo had already gotten one from his folks, which wasn’t fair because he was the worst kid in class.

Craig pressed his back against the wall that separated him from the living room. He took a deep breath. One...two...three. He peeked around the corner.

He expected to see the red suit, the beard. He did not expect to see fur and fangs and a tongue as long as a garden hose.

Craig stumbled backward, too scared to think. He tripped over his Bert and Ernie slippers and fell on his butt.

The thing that wasn’t Santa Claus stared at him. Coarse black hair covered every inch of its body and goat legs. Two long devil horns erupted from its skull.

The goat-man was upon him now, its animal reflexes too fast to track. The beast had pinned Craig to the floor, flogging him with a bundle of sticks. His brain was too frozen with fear to notice the pain. The creature’s face hovered inches above Craig’s, its breath reeking of meat and death. A glob of viscous drool landed on Craig’s nose. Craig wondered if it would have the mercy to kill him before it started to eat him.

“No!” said a voice.

The beast retreated, hissing and shielding its face from a series of blows about its head and shoulders.

Craig looked up, and there stood Santa Claus flogging the creature away with a rolled-up copy of the Sears Christmas Catalog.

“No! Bad!” Santa said in a furious whisper, hitting the beast again. “He’s on the ‘good’ list! Don’t make me get the squirt bottle. Bad!”

Read More

Your NaNoWriMo Road Map: My New Column

Check out "Your NaNoWriMo Road Map," a day-by-day guide to finishing your novel for National Novel Writing Month. Read up on some gems like these:

 

Day 3: The words are coming more slowly now, which is to be expected. Give yourself permission to write poorly in the name of getting words on the page. When you read it later, you just might surprise yourself with how your protagonist exhibits the mannerisms of your cat. Word count: 1,100.

Day 10: Coffee and soda and candy and cookies and whee! Word count: 3,200

Day 11: Beer and whiskey and potato chips and cigarettes and uuunnnggghhh.Nineteen words.

Day 14: Your blood is now twenty percent espresso. The pizza guy visits your house more frequently than the mailman. You’re sleeping five hours a night. These measures feel extreme, but the extra free time will seriously boost your output, right? Word count: 800 words.

Read the whole thing at Writer Unboxed.

Your NaNoWriMo Road Map

New column: "The Aspiring Writer's Dictionary"

Confused by the amount of jargon in the publishing industry? My new Hacks for Hacks column defines all the terms you need to know:

Self-addressed stamped envelope (SASE) (n.): antiquated method of delivering bad news.

Self-publishing (n.): the greatest revolution in publishing since Gutenberg, overexposure to which can lead to derision from gatekeepers, intolerable smugness, and interminable arguments using talking points laden with dinosaur metaphors.

Serial (n.): a long story released in short, regular installments until the author thinks up a serviceable ending or the sales dry up, whichever occurs later.

“Show, don’t tell” (exp.): the writerly equivalent of “Have a good one.” An easy thing to say in your writers group when you haven’t read the story, it has been repeated so often and in so many contexts that no one remembers its original meaning.

You can read the whole thing over at Writer Unboxed.

The Aspiring Writer's Dic

"Most of the Stuff You Need to Know to Edit Your Manuscript" -- My new column at Writer Unboxed

Photo credit: rosmary on Flickr

Photo credit: rosmary on Flickr

Check out my latest Hacks for Hacks column at Writer Unboxed, "Most of the Stuff You Need to Know to Edit Your Manuscript," which is pretty much what it sounds like. You'll find helpful hints like these:

  • "Trim the fat. Nobody wants to read a flabby manuscript. Take out unnecessary words, as well as all references to fried foods and soda.
  • Murder your darlings. One of the most useful bits of writing advice, it’s a figure of speech that means that in your novel, you must kill a beloved pet, love interest, or small child. It’s hard, but I didn’t make the rules.
  • While you’re at it, let some of your minor characters know you might bump off a few of them, too, if they don’t start adding more to the story. Do this out loud."

If you like it, you can read all my columns here. 

"Most of the Stuff You Need to Know to Edit Your Manuscript