The only thing that could make this better is Yakety Sax.
Blarg!
Bill's blog. Writing, guitars, gratuitous Simpsons references, you'll find it all here. Almost certainly a waste of time for both you and the author. On the internet, that's actually a plus.
New column at Writer Unboxed: Applying to MFA Programs
Photo by Lordcolus
I'm a big fan of higher learning, which is why my new column at Writer Unboxed is about Applying to MFA Programs. Here's a quick excerpt:
To find the program that’s the best fit, you’ve got to do your homework on prospective schools.
- Look up their acceptance rate, which at some schools is so small that they can only be seen by microscope. Less selective institutions might have an acceptance rate as high as 20 percent, meaning your odds of failure are only four out of five! Those are lousy odds, but if numbers were your thing, you wouldn’t be applying to MFA programs.
- Do they have famous faculty or alumni? This is crucial for name-dropping purposes at cocktail parties.
- How much financial aid is available. Are there fellowships? Teaching assistantships? There are always student loans; as your MFA pays dividends the rest of your career, so too will you write checks to Nelnet for the rest of your miserable life.
Go read the whole thing, then get those applications in the mail.
Applying to MFA Programs via Writer Unboxed
Read my new column: "How to Get the Perfect Author Photo"
Say "Cheese!" and smile for the camera, not necessarily in that order. Head over to Writer Unboxed to check out my new column, How to Get the Perfect Author Photo.
What is an Author Photo?
Let’s start with why we’re going through this rigmarole. An author photo is a selling tool designed to let your fans know what you look like so they can properly throw themselves at you when they see you. To do that, you’ll need to…
Hire a Photographer
No, that blurry selfie you use for your Twitter avatar isn’t going to cut it. It’s time to go to a professional. That means someone with AT MINIMUM 500 followers on Instagram. This will not come cheap, but it’ll be the best twenty-bucks-plus-a-case-of-Pabst you’ll ever spend.
It’s time to go to a professional. Look for someone who has AT MINIMUM 1,000 followers on Instagram.
Any reputable photographer should be able to guarantee you’ll get some action as a result of this photo. Ask them about this specifically.
New Hacks for Hacks column: "How to Win a Twitter Pitch Contest"
Come see my new column at Writer Unboxed, "How to Win a Twitter Pitch Contest." Here's an excerpt:
A good Twitter pitch reduces a story to its juiciest, most primal elements. It’s gotta have a protagonist, a conflict, and most importantly, the correct hashtag. Here are some examples to give you an idea:
The Lord of the Rings
The chosen one fulfills the prophecy to defeat the evil overlord. #pitchmas
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
The chosen ones fulfill the prophecy to defeat the evil overlord. #pitmad
Example pitch: Ulysses–An MFA student tries to impress girls at a party by pretending to have read a literary masterpiece. #pitfall
Now that you know the format, write pitches for other popular media for extra practice:
“There’s a Hole in the Bucket”
Liza and Henry relate a recent spat to their marriage counselor. #pitchthing
“A Boy Named Sue”
A son overcomes a lifetime of adversity to reunite with his estranged father. #pitchandcatch
Ulysses
An MFA student tries to impress girls at a party by pretending to have read a literary masterpiece. #pitfall
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
The chosen one is filled with metaphysical microbes, becomes the evil overlord. #pitachips
Go read the whole thing, why don't you?
How to Win a Twitter Pitch Contest via Writer Unboxed
Would you like to beta read my novel?
I finally finished writing my new novel, Challengers. Now comes the part when I send it to people I trust who'll read it and tell me what works and what doesn't. That said, I also need to hear from people who are less familiar with my work so I can see how it sits with a wider audience. If you're interested in being one of those people, here's the gist of the book:
tl;dr version: X-Men meets Friday Night Lights
Longer version: Eighteen-year-old Cody Hawthorn had waited his whole life to go to college to learn to be a superhero. Sadly, he's just not super enough. Top-tier universities find his 2,000-pound bench press rather pedestrian. He can run 40 mph? Yawn. They'd love Cody if he still knew how to fly, but a nasty injury cost him his ability to get airborne.
Cody had resigned himself to studying history and teaching high school in his hometown until Piedmont State University finally offered him a scholarship to double-major in history and heroics. When he gets to campus, Cody wonders if he made a mistake--among his new team of magicians, gravity manipulators, luchadors, and a cybernetically enhanced bear powered by Google Android, Cody's the worst student in the program. At least Cody gets to study under his childhood idol, Orion.
Orion, the greatest and most powerful hero the world has ever known, is retired from active duty at forty-one years old. In his prime he had the strength to move mountains and the toughness to withstand an atomic bomb. However, his career of fistfights and crashing into buildings has left his body a wreck. When he's not nursing a dependency on painkillers, he stays busy as a faculty member at Piedmont State. However, it's a much tougher place to work than he'd expected. Piedmont State is like if you infused Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters with the bloated bureaucracy of a public university, and replaced Professor X with Bear Bryant. Orion's clashes with his boss (and the fact that, as an educator, he couldn't teach a dead man to sit still) have him on the verge of getting fired.
Both he and Cody are going to have to get their acts together because Orion's old nemesis, Claude Lafitte--the self-proclaimed Emperor of Louisiana--is still in his prime and planning to start a second Civil War. But how can either Cody or Orion save the day when they can barely keep their positions on campus?
Sound interesting? Want to take a crack at this? Read on.
What I'm looking for:
- Your overall impression
- What you liked
- What you didn't like
- Places you got bored
- Stuff that confused you/didn't make sense
- Characters you particularly liked and disliked
- If people do anything unbelievable or ridiculous
- Do the plot twists work, or did you see them coming?
- Whatever else you feel like mentioning
What I'm NOT looking for:
- Proofreading. Obviously spelling and grammar are important, but the book will probably change a lot between now and the final version. Pointing out the comma splice on page 137 won't be a good use of your time if I end up overhauling or deleting that entire chapter anyway.
My ballpark turnaround time is by mid-August. If this sounds like your cup of Gatorade and you've got some spare time, fill out the contact form and I'll send it your way. Either way, thanks for stopping by, and I hope you're reading something you enjoy.
New column: "How to Blurb Someone's Book"
Hey you! Check out my new column at Writer Unboxed! How to Blurb Someone's Book.
Your career is taking off–someone asked you to blurb their book! Yes, you! No, I can’t believe it either! I mean, out of all the authors available who have better sales and a bigger following and…well anyway, they picked you, so nice job.
This is a big opportunity. Blurbing a book lets you seize a chunk of someone else’s life’s work and make it all about you. Furthermore, if people are asking you for an endorsement, you’re now a tastemaker, subtly steering the zeitgeist toward works of true literary quality. The resemblance of said works to your own books is purely coincidental.
Like any important endeavor, there’s the distinct possibility you might screw it up, thereby trashing not only your own career, but that of a fellow author whose only crime was believing in you.
New column: "Awesome Combo! The 10 Keys to Writing Killer Fight Scenes"
In my new column for Writer Unboxed, I unveil everything you need to know to write fantastic fight scenes.
"To write a proper fight scene, you need to be in a fightin’ frame of mind. Queue up Guile’s Theme from Street Fighter II to set the mood. (Side note: I’m listening to Guile’s Theme as I write this column. It’s the soundtrack to everything I write. Sonic boom!)
Research
Those three months of karate you took after school in fifth grade are finally about to pay off! Learning a martial art is the culmination of years of practice, discipline, and hard work. If you had that kind of work ethic, you’d have already finished writing this book by now."
Award eligibility post about awards for which I'm eligible to be awarded awards
Photo credit: akahawkeyefan
Here's a rundown of what I've recently published, in the event you'd like to nominate my work for a major award.
I'm eligible for the Campbell Award for Best New Writer, based on the publication of "Athlete's Foot" in Crowded.
Also, my short story, "Suicide Chef," appeared on the Tales to Terrify Podcast. It is eligible for the Parsec Award for Best Speculative Fiction Story: Small Cast (Short Form).
FYI, if you'd like to read some of my work for free, I published two of my short stories on this here website:
- The Consolidated Brotherhood of Truly Bearded Santas (first appeared in Stupefying Stories; reprinted in The Again)
- Uncle Eats You (website original)
Whether you nominate me for anything or not, you're still allowed to enjoy the stories. I don't mind, I promise.
Come see me at Illogicon this weekend
I'll be at Illogicon this weekend in Durham, NC January 9-11. Come on down to the and hear me say something dumb. This year, I'll be moderating two panels that I'm very excited about: "Make with the Funny" about humor in genre fiction, and "The Sporting Geek," about where sports fandom and geeky fandom collide (see below for full descriptions). Once again, I'll be paneling with some pretty smart folks, so it'll definitely be worth your while.
Friday, January 9
- Social Scientists' Science Fiction - 5 pm
There's no shortage of science fiction written by authors with Ph.D.s in the "hard sciences" (biology, chemistry, physics), and their expertise show up in everything from world building to alien physiology. But what about authors with educations in Psychology, Sociology, Anthropology, Linguistics, Economics, and so on? Is the SF experience redefined when it comes from social scientists instead? - Bwa Ha Ha Ha! - 9 pm
Sometimes we take so long creating protagonists that will appeal to readers, we forget to give the same depth and character to the enemy. Let's talk about some of the best literary villains, and techniques writers can use to make a truly memorable bad guy.
Saturday, January 10
Make with the Funny - Noon (I'm the moderator!)
Authors and artists talk about how they write humor in SF&F. They'll also share what books, movies, TV shows, and comics make them laugh the most. The panel itself will probably be funnier than this description you're reading now.
Sunday, January 11
The Sporting Geek - 1 pm (I'm the moderator!)
Being a nerd doesn't mean you have to shun sports. Sure, we'll talk mainstream stuff like basketball, football, baseball, and hockey, but we'll also delve into geek-friendly activities like rock climbing, running, and disc golf. Anything that's nerdy and sporty is fair game, from sabermetrics to fantasy sports like Quidditch and Calvinball.
New column: How to Schedule Your Holiday Writing Schedule
Photo credit: Jamie McCaffrey
My new column is up at Writer Unboxed: How to Schedule Your Holiday Writing Schedule.
"Set goals. The first day of your vacation, write down three things you want to accomplish before heading back to school or work or wherever. Aim high. Write a short story every day! Query twenty agents! Hey, you wrote an entire novel in November; you’re now ready to write one in two weeks. Shoot for the moon! If you miss, you’ll land among the stars in the cold, infinite void of space."
If you like that bit, go read the whole thing.
If you didn't like it, go read the whole thing as a punishment.