Blarg!

Bill's blog. Writing, guitars, gratuitous Simpsons references, you'll find i​t all here. Almost certainly a waste of time for both you and the author. On the internet, that's actually a plus.

New column: Passive Aggressive Christmas Gifts for Writers 

photo by cedwardmoran on Flickr

photo by cedwardmoran on Flickr

My new column is up at Writer Unboxed, just in time for your holiday shopping: Passive Aggressive Christmas Gifts for Writers. Here's an excerpt:

  • For an unpublished writer: A new display shelf where they can put all their publications. Let the shame of an empty shelf motivate them to succeed! When this shelf inevitably becomes cluttered with junk mail and their kids’ homework, clear it off for them and say, “Got to leave space for all those best-sellers and cult classics!” Cost: $50
  • For your insecure friend: Breath mints, especially if they don’t need them. Cost: $2
  • For your hipster friend who still writes with a typewriter:A truly hideous paperweight for all their typed pages. Every time they feel the joy of completing another page, they’ll have to look at the ceramic monstrosity you gave them, thus slowing their momentum the tiniest little bit. Be careful, though—if it’s too ugly, your hipster friend will think it’s cool. Cost: $20

Go read the whole thing before the stores close!

Passive Aggressive Christmas Gifts for Writers

My new column is up! The Author’s Guide to Twitter: 280-characters Edition

Read my new column, "The Author’s Guide to Twitter: 280-characters Edition" at Writer Unboxed. It's good. 

Here's an excerpt:

Recently, Twitter allowed some users to write tweets of up to 280 characters instead of the usual 140. Issues like harassment, online bullying, and potentially inciting nuclear war are important, but they had to wait so Twitter could make sure jerks like me would have more sand in their sandboxes, apparently. It is my gift, it is my curse. I take this responsibility very seriously, and I feel a certain noblesse oblige to help other writers who have been or will one day be granted this awesome power. If you’re an author, a writer, or just someone willing to visit this website and click the banner ads, it is your solemn duty to read this column and learn how to wield your words effectively in this expansive new landscape.

The Author’s Guide to Twitter: 280-characters Edition

New column: Please do not support my Patreon

Have you heard of Patreon? It’s a company that empowers crowd-sourced patronage of the arts, including but not limited to authors. By pledging monthly support at one of various patronage tiers, each with its own level of perks and rewards, you’re able to support your favorite writers directly. I have recently started my own, and it is my fondest wish that your patronage does not include me.

Read more at Writer Unboxed.

New Column: How to Defeat Impostor Syndrome

Photo credit: Petteri Sulonen

Photo credit: Petteri Sulonen

This month, I tackle impostor syndrome. It's something that people in lots of careers experience, not just writers. Here's a quick excerpt:

Impostor syndrome is like an earworm; it gets stuck in your head till it drives you crazy, and the easiest way to get rid of it is to give it to somebody else. Mention to a friend how similar their novel is to one of your favorites, the one that everybody has read and is now sick of. Point out how the magazine that published their latest short story is going under because their terrible stories made their subscribers set themselves on fire.

How to Defeat Impostor Syndrome

New column at Writer Unboxed: Are You a Real Writer?

The hot topic on Twitter among writers this week was whether you had to go to a fancy workshop like Clarion in order to call yourself a "real writer." In my column, I weigh in with some Very Serious answers on this Very Serious topic.

This week, the illustrious Neil Gaiman tweeted an endorsement of the Clarion Writer’s Workshop, a pricey, six-week writing retreat in California:

Whoa, wait a minute! Did he mean “need” in the same sense that we need oxygen to breathe?

The answer is yes, that’s exactly what he meant, and if you don’t have six weeks and a few thousand bucks to spare, there’s no daily word count that will save you, poseur.

This revelation ignited a firestorm among the common rabble. Many writers argued that Famous Author Neil Gaiman had forgotten that not everybody goes to bed with a rock star on top of a pile of money, and that many writers have various personal and financial obstacles preventing them from attending such programs—obstacles that Gaiman works tirelessly from the shadows to keep in place. Tough job market? Rising child-care costs? Debilitating disease? If you knew how much power and influence he and his fellow Real Writers have over your day-to-day lives, you’d never pick up another book again.

Go read the whole thing here.

Are You a Real Writer? at Writer Unboxed

I got an agent!

Evan Gregory, known far and wide for his agenting skill and great taste in books.

Evan Gregory, known far and wide for his agenting skill and great taste in books.

I now officially have a literary agent. Evan Gregory of the Ethan Ellenberg Literary Agency has taken me on as a client after reading my mystery novel The Other Van Zant.

For the benefit of folks who don't know the intricacies of the publishing industry, here's why getting an agent is a big deal for me: 1. Big publishers buy almost all their books through literary agents (not in all cases, but most cases). 2. Agents only get paid when they sell a book, so they tend to only take on clients with books they believe they can sell (it also means they're highly motivated to sell it). 

I'm really glad to have somebody do the wheeling-and-dealing portion of the publication process for me. All this stuff about foreign rights, remainders, subsidiary rights--is that even a real thing? I didn't start writing so I could negotiate contracts, and I wouldn't know what a good deal looks like if somebody rolled up the contract and swatted me in the face with it. You see that analogy I just made? That's my best guess for what a good deal looks like. Now I've got Evan here to handle all that nonsense so I can get back to the hard work of writing about a wannabe rock star who solves mysteries, and college curriculum for aspiring superheroes.

Let Bill Ferris create your pen name

[source] 

[source] 

As you know, I recently wrote a column on creating your perfect pen name. I've got some extra author aliases lying around that are free to a good home. All of them are focus-grouped and tested for maximum marketability and book sales-ness. 
  • Archibald Sneak
  • Rachel Staircase 
  • Caroline Vesuvius
  • Smith Woodright
  • Dashiell Hardcase
  • Christine Quisp
  • Keith Von Keith
  • Brooke Las Cruces
  • Lloyd Llarson
  • Pythagoras Steamship
  • Steven Kiing
  • Dan Browne
  • J.K. Rotfl
  • Tyler Linkedin
  • Freddie Facebook
  • Thomas Alva Tutone
  • Basil Worcestershire
  • Ndamukong McCoy
  • Mike McMack
  • Gladys Gnite
  • Sara Consonant
  • Daphne Punq
  • Johnny Vegas
  • Johnny Carlot
  • Johnny Steakhouse
  • Johnny Horserace
  • Jonathan Rugby

How to create your perfect pen name: My new Writer Unboxed column

photo by Amy Strachan

photo by Amy Strachan

I've got a new coumn up at Writer Unboxed dedicated to helping you come up with the ideal pen name to launch your writing career. Behold, an excerpt:

Quick, what’s the first name of your protagonist’s favorite singer? What’s the first initial of your least-favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Now tell me your favorite brand of liquor. For me, Robert Plant plus Raphael plus Kraken rum gives me Robert R. Kraken — I’ve already harangued my parents for not giving me this name. You’re on the right track if you end up with something like John D. Morgan or Nico R. Dubonnet. If you come up with Ke$ha L. Ron Rico, please stop writing, because you have terrible taste in everything. 

You can read the whole thing here. And check out some of my other columns while you're there.

How to Create Your Perfect Pen Name at Writer Unboxed

How to be an author 24-7: My new column at Writer Unboxed

Want to be a pro writer? My new column at Writer Unboxed shows you how to turn a fun hobby into a pro-level cycle of toil & anguish. Here's a quick excerpt:

You’re home from work (you listened to an audiobook during your commute, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?!). Dinner with the fam is the ideal time to focus-group plot points and character sketches. Also make sure to ask your family how their day was. These conversations pay big dividends in writing material, like the literary equivalent of hilltop-removal mining. Your spouse and children will come to know the phrase, “That’s so great, I’m totally putting it into my book!” as the response that is most akin to the emotion they call “love.” 

How to be an author 24-7 at Writer Unboxed